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Most of this is true, I'm serious.



This one time me and two of my buds were hanging out in my car, in a park, in the middle of a 1950's suburb. This was in like '05 or '06. Anyway, we're sitting there, trying to think of what to do besides drive around and smoke pot, when all of the sudden I see this old lady riding a bike down the street, headed straight for us. I laugh and say, "Look at this dumb bitch riding down the street.", you know because i'm all about that disrespect. They both look up, laugh, and continue with their drawings they are doing on the backs of a stack of old fliers for one of my bands shows. I swear to fucking god the second they look down, some dude comes speeding down the street, carves left onto the street where this woman was riding her bike and SLAM! That bitch flew up into the air and landed on her back. I said "FUCK!" and they said, "What dude?" I pointed to that dumb bitch riding her bike in the street and we all run over there, along with the entire fucking neighborhood. Then this jackass gets out of his car, and sure enough, it was the brother of a girl we all knew. He was drunk, and started crying. The police, ambulances, and fireman showed up, and since I was the ONLY person who saw it happen, I gave my statement. That fucking asshole got away with drunk driving and paralyzed a women all because he was the son of a rich doctor in town. After it was all said and done, we got back in the car, wondering what to do now, I mean we (and by we I mean I) just saw the craziest thing any of us will ever see. This asshole did not get what he deserved. We took the mangled pieces of this poor woman's bike, and put it in the trunk of my car. A couple of years later, I was driving around, and drove by the liquor store. I saw this asshole who hit her walk out. So I followed him, after he got into his brand new car, where I eventually stopped when he got home. I silently followed him into his house, where there were no other cars parked. He went into their TV room, opened his bottle of EW and started drinking. I made sure to keep quiet. He passed out near the end of "A Beautiful Mind". This was it, it was the perfect opportunity to get this fucker back. When he woke up, I beat the living fuck out of him with a phonebook, did not break any bones, leave any bruises, or leave any evidence of who I was. I knocked him out doing this, so I went back outside, and proceeded to fuck up his car. I got into my car, and drove back down the street. I saw an older woman riding her bike, and it was late, so I stopped to tell her to be careful. HOLY FUCK it was that woman who got hit by the guy I just beat the fuck out of. I told her I saw it all, and how he got away with it. I also told her I thought she was paralyzed, she nodded and said one day, she just got up out of her wheelchair and could walk again. She said she knew all about it, and that she felt god would justify the situation. That's when I finally realized, I AM GOD.