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I realized that i love him but i already knew that I also know that every year we do the same song and dance we break up becuase it just seems he stops caring or i am just not worth his time, I realized that i dont want to deal with it any more i want to feel loved, it ends messy every time. By the end of the year we talk a little but i dont want to get back together because i dont belive he has change. so we stop talking around feburary of next year we get back he shows he change he gives me love without me having to ask. around the time we dont talk i am looking first to hurt my self it is because i love him i want it to stop hurting. rule the brain can only process one pain at a time. then i get sick of being used for sex i want to feel special like somebody actually wants not just to fuck me. i am not saying that i need a man to love me i am saying that having depression there will be time i will at my lowest were all i want to is just die for no reason i just want the the pain to stop. i just want to have somebody to hold me and say its ok your ok. i want to be able to know that if he has free time he is willing to spend it with me. if i stay over he can take me home or to work the next day. that isnt ashame to take a picture of us. to have some one and know that i am not alone.so all the we are not together i look for somebody, but what i realized that it isnt some one i look this in for is him i look t o have this. when we are not togher or had a fight does he act this way but i am tired and sad and i love him i know it isnt his fault he does have the capacity to be like this but not for me i not the one he is ment to love i am not the one for him...and if you read this i am sorry but i am dying inside i know your tired and i am sorry that i told this to every one but it isnt for every to know what is going on is for to be able to breath a little